If you had to choose only one thing to teach your children – what would it be? I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. At strange times. I think becoming a parent changes the way your brain operates. It has for me at least.

In a society filled with danger of every imaginable kind, we will never be able to protect our children 24/7. We consume a constant always-on, stream of media, that sub-consciously, programmes us, as to the standards for beauty, intelligence, and acceptance by society at large. Self-doubt, anxiety, depression and judgement have never been more prevalent in society and we find so many people, especially children, feeling as though they are not enough.

Not smart enough, not funny enough, not likeable enough for them to have friends. This creates vulnerability. And vulnerability can be a superpower when harnessed, but when it is dismissed, or exploited – that’s when we create the need for external validation.

This is not the place where I highlight all the dangers our littles will face in their lifetime. I fear there are too many – and that they are ever-evolving. So instead, this is where I remind myself to NEVER be too busy to listen. What that really means, is always being available when my child wants to tell me something. 99% of the time, it’s going to be a silly anecdote or to ask for the 100th glass of milk. But this is where I allow him to feel safe. Validated. That he always knows what he feels matters – no matter what.

When we feel safe, we can be vulnerable without the risk of being exploited or endangered. It’s often during these moments of unhurried listening that he tells me about how he feels. During play, or after bedtime stories, when we chat with no agenda – that glimmers of what weighs heavy on his heart, is revealed. It’s during these times that he has told me things like “I am a bad kid”. Firstly, this is not true, but that doesn’t matter. In that moment it was his truth. He had done something during the day, made a mess, not listened or broken something (I can’t remember and it’s not really important), and it had stuck with him to the point that he now believed he was a bad kid. This was such a stark reminder to me of what the messaging is, that our children receive, whether it is intended or not. That being a “good” or “bad” kid, is based on behaviour.

He is four. We may think that a lot of what is felt or perceived at this age – doesn’t really matter in the long run. That their imagination has gotten the better of them or that it’ll pass. It won’t pass. If we do not allow these feelings the space and time they need to be processed and resolved, they are shoved deep down into our subconscious and this is where we start a lifetime of being unable to process emotions and perpetuating the cycle of self-doubt and the need for external validation. We need to teach our children they are good kids no matter their behaviour. That they are loved in abundance and unconditionally. This doesn’t mean we overlook discipline – but discipline should offer opportunity to grow, not be a weapon used to break down confidence and belief in self. Behaviour is much easier to address than self-doubt and anxiety.

We cannot change the world overnight. We cannot control what dangers will cross paths with our children. But, what we can do, is teach them to be brave. Teach them resilience. Teach them that their feelings are valid and that they have a right to use their voice. For themselves, for others, for all creatures. We can endeavour to teach them to be kind. Even to those who are not kind to them. But we can also teach them that they never have to spend time with anyone who makes them feel bad about themselves. We can teach them that we are all different – and that’s what makes them beautiful. That they don’t have to do, like, be, the same as others, in order for them to be accepted. We can teach them that not everyone will like them, and there may be people that they don’t like. This is ok. We don’t have to be liked, or like everyone to live together in peace. We can teach them that they are enough just because they exist.

As a parent I often have to remind myself to take a step back and not react emotionally. It’s never easy to hear that you child has been hurt. But one of the greatest gifts we can offer our children is to learn how to navigate life on their own. To equip them with the skills they need to stand up for themselves, instead of swooping in like the superhero we want to be for them. The only way to really save them – is to teach them to save themselves. If we can unlearn how we see failure and hardships for ourselves, we can teach our children that it is often these times that we learn the most important lessons out ourselves. I’m not sure we can teach empathy. But we sure can encourage it.

Resilience is what sees us through to the other side. Resilience is the ability to overcome challenges and tough times. Resilience is the one thing that we can consciously instil in our children, that will enable them to face any situation and learn through it.

So resilience is what I hope to teach. And to learn. Because there’s still such a long, and adventurous road to walk – and how wonderful that we get to share this journey with each other.

What is the one thing you’d choose teach, and ultimately, to learn?