Musings of a Hopeful Romantic

It is the irony of life that great happiness is often tempered with a sadness, and that for every gift we receive we may need to let go of something else that we have held precious. Whether we call this coincidence, or whether there is something greater at play, I’m not sure. What I am sure of is that within our human existence we are finite, and so is our capacity – at least as it pertains to our physical availability. We have infinite capacity to love, to grow, to hurt, to heal, and all these have their season. But physically, though we may be able to do ANYTHING, we are unable to do EVERYTHING. This too has it’s emotional counterpart, in that we can’t be all things to all people, and we should not want to either.

Often as females, especially if you are a people-pleaser, we need to be needed. We thrive on feeding others. Be it physically offering up acts of service or emotionally fortifying them to go out and stand up for themselves. It’s amazing. And wonderful. And sometimes, it is just too much.

Though we may believe our purpose lies in serving others, and that we are fulfilled by filling up the cups of others, we too need to be self-aware as to our motives. The old adage of “You cannot pour from an empty vessel”, is as profound as it is true. We may have a deep desire to impact positive change. To heal the hurts of the world. And to be there for people no matter the circumstance. But sometimes life calls for an internal season. A season to put what you hold sacred in a circle and protect it fiercly.

The very essence of being human, is being vulnerable. We strive to put ourselves in the shoes of another. We empathize so deeply that we share each others hurts. We care so much, that it increases the capacity for the hurt that ensues when we lose something we value. Loss is a reality of life. We lose loved-ones, partners, parents, friendships, jobs and sometimes, we even lose faith. And it hurts. When this happens we can either choose to let the loss change us negatively or we can use it to grow. I choose growth.

When someone you love chooses to no longer play an active part in your life, that’s ok. It doesn’t mean you have to stop loving them or wishing them well, but you do need to take the time to grieve the loss, because when you love someone and they leave, they leave a very definite and real “them-shaped-hole” in your heart that only time and tears can start to fill. We need to accept that every new season brings their own set of new beginnings and blessings, and their own set of goodbyes and endings. And we need to remember that there is nothing as constant as change and there will always come a new season. And though nothing is forever, if we want something to last, it takes effort. It takes an emotional investment. And it takes honesty and vulnerability. And it needs to be put in that sacred circle and afforded the time it deserves.

Do not ever be afraid to say I am sorry. But also do not be afraid of walking a season alone.

I am so grateful for those who have walked every season with me. I am grateful for those who could only stay a season or two. I am grateful for those who are still to come. I love you all. Even if we don’t speak anymore.

If I can leave you with anything today it would be this:

“Be Brave. Be Kind. Be True. And put what’s sacred in a circle and protect it!”

Tash

xxx

 

My darling boy you will never know how you have changed my life. Not only in the obvious ways of little sleep and dirty nappies. Of no longer being able to socialize at the drop of a hat, but also no longer wanting to. Of not being able to day nap and read all night. But in ways far more profound. You have changed the very essence of who I am. Or perhaps you have just shown me, in no uncertain terms, what actually matters in this life.

You have changed the way I look at your daddy. I now, cannot look at him without my heart exploding. You have taken a great man and made him invincible. The way he looks at you, the way he parents and the way he loves and protects us all, is priceless.

You have changed how I see my friends. I am now more grateful than ever for those hearts that hold us up when we need it most. You have made me realize that I never needed to be everything to everybody, that those that love us, do so unconditionally, and that friendship is one of the purest forms of love.

You have shown me why our families are so important. You are the reason I now understand my mommy. Her worries, her tears, her joys and frustrations.

Mommy – I am sorry I never realized just how much we will always be a part of you, and that worry (and often irrational fear) come with the territory.

Boy, you have taught me that time is the most precious commodity we have in this life and I promise to treasure every moment of life that I get to live with you. You have shown me how to experience joy in every day. How to see the world through the eyes of a babe. With innocence, joy and uncontainable curiosity.

Maverick you are the everything I never knew I was missing. I thank God for you every day.

Thank you for balancing me. For making me better. Thank you for choosing me. I promise I will do everything I can to make you proud. To keep you safe. And to show you just how great this life can be.

My wish for you is that you are always surrounded by love. That your life is an adventure and that you find a way in each day to make a difference.

May you be kind. Curious. A man of your word. May you stand for what you believe in, no matter how hard it may be.

May you have strength of character to carry you through the tough times and may you never loose your child-like joy no matter how old you get.

May you live long and surround yourself with good people. May you find a love like the love I share with your daddy. And may you treat her like a queen.

Be kind to everyone. Especially those who are unkind to you. Be kind to animals and treat the earth well. Share your time with people who challenge you to be better. Never stop learning and always remain humble.

I know you are going to change the world. Like I said – you have already changed my world in every way that matters.

I love you with a deep, unexplainable tide that is greater than the ocean. More gigantic than all the galaxies and deeper than the centre of the earth. You are truly mighty. And magical beyond words.

Yours forever,

Mommy xxx

Being a woman can often be a veritable minefield requiring the adaptability of water, the diplomacy of a politician sitting on the fence, sensitivity enough not to offend and yet, a thick enough skin not to BE offended. This state of womanhood is compounded in pregnancy and often even more so in motherhood. There’s nothing quite as strong, and yet nothing quite as vulnerable, as a new mom. You would hope as a society we would be geared towards the protecting of these women as they go about ensuring the survival of the species.

And yet we all know that ain’t the way it is.

I could expand upon the many ways that society “does women wrong”, but that’s not really what this post is about. This post is more a call to arms. A challenge to lift up those women around us. A plea for us all to show a little compassion and to stop making other women, and especially new moms, feel judged.

Mommy-shaming has many faces and that what makes it so very dangerous. From the bestie without babies that looks at you in horror when she comes over and you have a babe on the boob and Netflix on rapid rotation and feels this the appropriate time to remind you how you felt about babies and screen time pre-birth, to the kindly older neighbour peering over the fence as you strap your two week old baby into the car who says ever so sweetly – “oh in my day we never took babies out before 6 weeks old…” not realizing that you would give anything to be on the couch with babe in arms, but that you’ve got a meeting to get to and bills to pay. And then there’s the other mommies who compare your babies every time you meet. Are they judging? Is there something wrong / right with your baby? Or are they also just looking for affirmation that they are not totally screwing it up?

All these potentially explosive situations are made even more dangerous due to the fact that mommies are tired. Sleep deprived. Hormonal. And emotional. And scared.

I have never been this scared in my life. Scared every day for the safety of my babe. Scared to look in the mirror and see someone who looks vaguely like someone I used to know. And scared to be getting it all wrong and screwing up my boy for life. And I am pretty darn sure I’m not the only one feeling this way?

It’s so easy to allow the misinterpreted comments and the perceived judgements to create spaces between us. And it’s not long and these spaces fill with negativity, impacting on our every day lives and tainting our experiences a slight shade of grey. Should we not rather take these spaces between us, where we don’t see eye to eye, and create a safe place for discussion. A space for upliftment and a community of care.

Let’s fill the spaces between us with love. And flowers and understanding.

Let us as women, treat women the way we would like to be treated.

And let’s build a generation who wants to see all women prosper. And let us rejoice in the success of others and not take it as a judgement upon ourselves.

Individually we are one drop. Together we are the ocean.

Get out there and show the world your magic!

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way – in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

A Tale of Two Cities

It has taken me six weeks to sit down and try put my thoughts together in a way that makes sense. Six weeks of twilight to daylight feeds. Six weeks of wonder. Six weeks of falling faster & harder in love, than I ever imagined possible. Six weeks of thanking God for the man I call my husband. Six weeks of nights, looking over at said husband sweetly sleeping, and thinking I’d happily punch him in the face. Six weeks of hoping my fur-babies still know just how much I love them. Six weeks of happiness, and exhaustion, and anxiety and joy.

Six weeks.

The longest and shortest six weeks of my life.

There is a lot to be said for the first six weeks but that’s not what this post is about. This post is about relinquishing control. Having faith and trusting your circle.

Being a control freak (just slightly) and suffering from worst-case scenario induced anxiety, I was nervous about the kind of pregnant woman I was going to be. I mean if you don’t answer your phone, I am the type to think you’ve been kidnapped or may be laying unconscious in a ditch. This being the case, I am very grateful for a lesson sent my way very early on in my pregnancy. “You are NOT in control.” Weird things happen in pregnancy. The miracle of growing another human is not without its challenges. Sore boobs, exhaustion, excitement and fear. And then something people don’t think to tell you. You may bleed. You will think your baby is “falling” out. And you will get angry. Because you are scared. But then everything will be ok. This happened to me before I was six weeks pregnant and it taught me very early on that what was going to be, would be. That I could do my best to be healthy and safe. But that I could not control the womb-work that was taking place inside.

Once I accepted this, my pregnancy was a gracious experience. My body (and baby) got on with what they needed to and I got on with what I needed to. Work. Building our side hustle and saving money for our move and transfer fees. (Side note – moving when pregnant is not recommended. It broke me…) Everything was going swimmingly. Boy was doing yoga in utero – growing strong. Mom was feeling chilled and happy. And dad was rubbing my feet every night.

All through my nine months of growing boy I could be heard answering, “Yes I am having a natural birth. Un-medicated. But whatever needs to happen, I’ll be ok with it.” I honestly thought I believed this. When our 32 week scan revealed a boy contorting himself into frank breech – the tears turned on of their own accord. Dramatic right? Especially as he still had 8 weeks to turn, which he did by 36 weeks. Whew. Back on track.

38 weeks. Mature placenta. Panic at the gynae. Ok, so induction doesn’t mean you have to have a caesarian. Ok. Ok. Breathe. Induction at 39 weeks. We can do this. Doesn’t matter though. Boy will come before. I’m young (ok well I’m not old – even though science will call my pregnancy geriatric), I am strong and I come from a family of women who push babies out. I got this. I’ve waited this long to have a baby. Everything is going to go according to plan. Why? Because I deserve it (like I’m so special?). Because why wouldn’t it?

Let me tell you why.

Because I wasn’t in control.

My scheduled induction ended in an emergency c-section, at 2:30am on the 12th February 2019, after 25 hours of labour (18 of them un-medicated as per my wishes). Ending my dream of pushing out my babe. It was horrific. I honestly thought I was going to die. But that’s a story for another day.

The moral of this story is simple. Like I said in the beginning – Have faith and trust your circle. Because things don’t always go according to plan, and that doesn’t make your story any less beautiful.

 

 

 

Do you ever find yourself over-whelmed and paralyzed by an unnamable fear pumping through your veins at 1000mph?  A fear that has no root in something that has actually happened, but rather a fear that has taken root and been fed by your subconscious mind?

I often find myself in this world of worst-case-scenarios. It’s not like it’s something I relish. It doesn’t come from a place of, “Hmmm, what new and terrifying situations can I imagine to haunt me today?”. No. It is something that has snuck up on me while I was focussed on becoming an adult. It’s true what they say about children being fearless. They are. To the point of endangerment, especially during our teenage years. At that age we believe ourselves to be super-natural, invincible and infallible.

But…

This is before we’ve experienced any real, deep, heart-searing loss. As we get older we feel some things more deeply because we realize that nothing lasts forever. That we will have our hearts broken. That we will have to say goodbye to our beloved pets. And that the people we hold nearest and dearest may have to move on and say goodbye to this life we share. It’s horrifying.

Fear is what paralyses us. It is fear that causes our hearts to race and our stomachs to churn when our phones ring at 2am. It’s fear that finds us in our mind’s eye, enacting scenes from our worst nightmares. It’s fear that robs us, and makes us sick.

Fear itself is not the culprit though. It’s love.

We only fear because we love something or someone so deeply, that we cannot imagine a reality where they are not present. Instead of basking in the miracle of having something that we love so much, we allow fear of losing this light, to hold us hostage. And play tricks on our minds. We allow unanswered calls to start a rollercoaster rides of what-if’s and why’s. And it’s never good. We don’t imagine that a loved one may just be having a phone-free day. Or treating themselves to a half hour massage. We imagine the worst. A car crash, an illness, a robbery or worse.

I think at the crux of this we are faced with two problems.

One – being that we live in an always-on, instantly accessible, digital era, where we believe that we should always be reachable and so in turn, that we should also always be able to reach those who we love. When was the last time you turned your phone off and went “offline”? Not even for a whole weekend. Just at bedtime? Believe me, I’ve tried. I have even gotten as far as swiping to switch off. Only moments later to be gripped by a feeling of panic that tonight will be the night that someone needs me. That if my phone is off, I will be responsible for the tragedy that ensues. So I switch my phone back on and have another night of sleep punctuated by the light of a flashing screen notifying me of messages filled with memes and messages from loved ones afar, on another time zone. Not the impending disaster I fear.

THIS IS NOT NORMAL.

I know that. I know there was a time where we weren’t always accessible. That families went for months in-between delivery from a postal service carrying word from loved ones overseas. That if you arrived at a meeting and someone wasn’t there, you just assumed they’d got caught up in traffic. And life went on. This generation was not paralyzed by imagined scenarios at every turn. They just got on with it and lived life in the present. We have forgotten how to BE PRESENT. In this day an age, we allow our fears to be compounded by the screens that consume us. We lament the past and constantly re-live our tragedies. And we fear the future. The future social media spews out at us on the daily with stories of animal abuse, human-trafficking and heinous crimes.

This brings us to problem number two.

Crime. So I am not trying to say that this is something you should not fear. It is real. It is tragic. And sometimes it seems completely out of control. This cycle is perpetuated by a mother-less generation who is driven to desperation by the hunger that consumes them. Desperate people fear very little. They have nothing to lose. So this is something real that drives our fear. Our fear that we will lose those we love. The fear that we are not in control. Fear of fear.

So what can we do to escape this cycle of driving ourselves demented with worry? It’s not fear that is the real villain in this situation. It is our reaction to it. And though we may not be able to control what we fear – we can learn to control our reactions to it.

We can be present and live in the present. Live in gratitude of every day. We can acknowledged that we will face loss. But we should not allow a “one day we have no control over”, to steal the joy from our todays that are filled with so much beauty. We can take ourselves offline. We can re-normalise not being “always-on” and ever-accessible. We can take back our time and spend it on things that matter – without broadcasting it via social media for validation. We can limit the negativity that we are bombarded with every day by unfollowing those who share articles for shock value. By distancing ourselves from those who perpetuate hate and keeping our circle safe. We can take all possible measures to ensure the safety of our loved ones and our possessions. And once this is done? We need to switch off the fear-monger in our minds. Your mind is a garden – what you nurture will thrive.

Let’s be mindful. Let’s be grateful. And let us be at peace by being present. Today & every day.

Don’t let this life get you down.

We’ve only got one guarantee, and that is that none of us will be here forever.

Don’t let one dark day steal your sunshine. Don’t let your tears wash away your joy. Promote peace and harbor hope. Be a safe place for those in need. Guard your heart but don’t ever let this life make you hard. Strive to be responsive in a world that pushes you to react. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Or imagine a life where shoes are unattainable.

Shine bright, be colourful. Be honest, be true. Be YOU.

Not everyday will be magical but there is magic in every moment, purely for the fact that we are alive to experience it. Relish every breath. Breathe deeply and with purpose. Say please and thank you. Smile at a stranger. Make eye-contact with the homeless man on your corner. Connect with the human-ness of everyone you meet. We can’t save the world but we can remind someone they exist, and that just may save them.

Think before you speak. But don’t over-think situations that hurt your heart. Not everyone is out to get you. They are too busy fighting their own battles and any harm they caused you was probably unintentional.

Practice mindfulness. Stretch. Be at peace with your self. Learn to wrestle with your demons and win. Stop re-visiting the same challenges. Break the cycle.

Know where you stand and stand proud. Don’t allow ego to make you arrogant. Accept others and their opinions. We don’t have to agree. But we don’t need to start wars over it. Be unified, and if you must destroy something, let it be the walls that divide us.

Be kind. Do not intentionally set out to harm. Not a human, not another living creature. Nurture nature and treasure your relationships.

Find freedom. In the things you love. In the job you do. In the people you are blessed with. Don’t ever take them for granted because this life really is too damn short.

Love unconditionally. Forgive quickly. Laugh often and loudly. Always extend your hand to help. Be true to you.

May our lives reflect our hearts, and be filled with people, experiences and animals instead of “stuff”. May happiness prevail where sadness threatens and may we always find purpose. Big or small.

Don’t let the sun set on a single day without a grateful heart. It is in gratitude that we grow and it is gratitude that increases our capacity.

Let it go. Let it be. Be free.

 

 

In tumultuous times it’s easy for us to point fingers and find fault. It’s so much harder to look inside, to really look, and find ourselves lacking. 

I looked inside and found that I am a selfish person. 

My soul is sad.

My soul is sad because there are people I love that have spent their every breathing moment living with prejudice. My soul is sad because there are people that I love that harbour a hate for each other, so deeply ingrained, they can’t recall why, so we blame it on history. My soul sears with the burn of injustice, that every morning as I drive to work, I see the faces of the world-weary, who are walking to work, to earn a below-living-wage because their choices have been limited. They have no choice. I see the hopelessness in the eyes of the homeless, begging for a piece of bread, and maybe, just maybe, a little piece of humanity. For someone to acknowledge them, look them in the eye, and say “I see you”. I hurt because I fear losing friends and family to the perceived safety and opportunity in lands afar. My sadness stretches centuries long, through the ages of slavery, apartheid and repression. At not being able to comprehend how a human, treats another human, as anything other than an equal. I am sad because I love my country and all it’s people and because I am the eternal optimist who believes one day peace will prevail.

Perhaps it is my guilt that causes this deep sadness. Perhaps it is my privilege that allows me my optimisim. Perhaps. But I know my souls truth. I believe in freedom above all else. The freedom to choose, the freedom to fight, the freedom to love without boundaries and the freedom to be a South African. I have no exit plan. That’s why I am selfish. I want a happily ever after in the land that birthed me. And I want it with all the people I love. 

I can’t ask you all not to safely stash those exit strategies at the forefront of your thoughts. That would be asking you to give up the freedom I so intrinsically believe in. But I will ask you not to lose hope. Not to give up, before you give it your all. Our country is bleeding from wounds so deep that it’s not enough just to stem the flow. We need to look at the “why” before we lash out at the “what”. Empathy is what sets human beings apart from the rest of the animal kingdom. We cannot allow fear, misunderstanding and hurt to rob us of our empathy. Of our humanity. 

I have always harboured a childish fantasy that one day we would wake up and we would all look the same. That there would be no race or custom to divide us. That the worlds history of hate and division, and generations of hurt it has left in its wake would be erased. That then, maybe, we could live in peace. 

I know this can never happen. But I still have hope that the world can find peace and unity within our differences. Who wants to live in a world of people who are all the same? We should rejoice in our differences. Embrace the wisdom of other cultures and broaden our perspectives by engaging in dialogues thy make us uncomfortable. That make us question.

Some scars run so deep that they will always serve as a reminder of what has come before. And that is something we have to accept and take responsibility for. We cannot change the past. But we can all play a part in a future that is ours for the making.

There is no unity without understanding. No understanding without empathy. Fear, division, misunderstanding and hate can only threaten our humanity if we invite them into our homes. 
We can all be kind, we can all be human and we can all be better. For it is then we will stand together. Acknowledgement, action and hope for a truly free nation.

Gosh. So Two thousand and WTF (2016) came into our lives like one of those tropical storms that get named after some poor, unsuspecting woman, who may have, once upon a time have done something to be remembered in such a manner.

2016 brought tears and heartbreak. Hardships and challenges. It also brought with it many blessings, births and babies, engagements and promises of forever. But in many ways it left us all a little scarred, a little more cautious and with a little more sadness in our hearts. None the less, we took it on the chin, dusted ourselves off and looked to 2017 as a year of rebirth, opportunity and all the good things. Yes, we were ready. The year of the Pantone Greenery. The start of a new cycle, one of beginnings, according to certain astrologists. How could it be anything other than f***ing fantastic?

And then it started. It was like 2016 was stuck on repeat and we were living in our own version of the film Groundhog Day. The knocks just kept on coming.

The thing with having to deal with numerous heartbreaks at the same time, and in such quick succession, is that we almost start to become a tiny bit numb. It goes from complete shock and disbelief to a sense of resignation that this is just life, we just need to deal. We start to question what the point is. We’re not the first. Throughout history, the great wars, the great love affairs, someone, always, at some point asks, “What is the point?”

We love at the risk of losing and we live with the knowledge that everything is temporary. The only guarantee that life gives us, is that no-one is getting out of here alive.

So what’s the point?

The point is that life is beautiful. That the pain, and the loss, are only possible because we were first blessed, with life, loved ones and the opportunity to carve our own path. That with every loss, we learn and we grow. We become better friends. Better family. Better lovers. We become better humans because pain and loss is a great equalizer. Our ability to empathise increases. Our capacity for love grows, albeit more cautiously. Our view of our fellow humans softens, as we realise that everyone truly is fighting their own battles. Some in silence. And some, if you are like me, in a great, roaring, flood of tears. Luckily for me, crying is cathartic.

So where to from here? Well once again, we take it on the chin, we dust ourselves off and grow a little thicker skin. We hope. We plan. We laugh. And we live. Regardless of what the future holds. The future is not guaranteed. But today is, so let’s make today friggin fabulous.

Its been said many times over that home is where the heart is. True story. But like the title of this post reminds us, we still do need somewhere to lay our heads. So wish us luck as we hunt for a new home, while planning a wedding that’s less than 8 months away and just generally trying to do this thing called life.

Thank you to our family. Thank you to our friends.We wouldn’t have come out the other side of all of this without you all by our side.

Thank you that I got another day to try and be better.